Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize