There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
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I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
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I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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