Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
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all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
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I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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