FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
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