you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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