Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
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please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
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I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
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