i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
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I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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