Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
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i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
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Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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