I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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