when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
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I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
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The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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