I am midnight drunk by noon
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
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We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
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When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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