i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize