If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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