Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
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I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
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I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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