Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
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Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
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I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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