he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
The beer is more important than you right now.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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