im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
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watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
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I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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