What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize