When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
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why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
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Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Dicks are not precious.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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