I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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