did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
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we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
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Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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