He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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