Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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