So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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