Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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