Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
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I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
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If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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