this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
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but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
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I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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