I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
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He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
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The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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