Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
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