you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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