you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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