I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
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Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
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It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
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