I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
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It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
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Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Im part way to drunk.
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