i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
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Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
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I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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