I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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