Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I touched a dick in church today
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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