We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
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Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
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I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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