and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
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Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
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I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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