so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
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It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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