just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
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We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
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I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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