K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
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I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
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We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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