you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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