come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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