when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
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I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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