Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
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Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
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You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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