i may or may not be watching the land before time
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
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Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
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I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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