I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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