he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
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