If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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