did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
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Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
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